Not this morning though. Because Zalderbon Pendrocknel was told he would have his heart stabbed with a needle. And it was the last straw: ‘To hell with you, I’ve had enough misery‘, Zalderbon told the Obulterglude. Zalderbon then instructed the Obulterglude to: ‘Stick that needle up your hyperior deflection.’ And left to buy ice-cream. 8000 […]

With comedian Jay Starliper as the hapless mission control.

My new Sci-Fi novel (clip below). ‘Nancy Goodaim, Space Ranger’. Blasting off in early ’23. Inspired by, and written to accompany, the cover art by Aly Fell. To get an idea of the storytelling style you can inflict 3.5 hours of ‘The Turd Prophecy’ on yourself (click here for the Anchor.fm player and link to […]

…iple as a rate of momentum so great that time loops back on itself.’ KRAAACK. BLONK. AAARF. ‘What just happened?’ ‘Hard to tell. All systems nominal and there’s nothing on the scanners. We may have reached Hyperspeed, a theoretical point described in The Absolute Zero Princ… The Absolute Zero Principle

‘Is the Emperor unwell? I’ve been trying to speak to him all morning and he just blanks me,’ Trudgealong explained to his predecessor. ‘That’s because he can’t hear. Unfortunately he broke his mind. So I removed it and gave it to the dog.’ ‘What? How?’ ‘His brain must’ve broken after months battling reality. I used […]

It is a little known fact that the most important job in the Universe is the mirror of Chunticle: Overlord Bongleron turned and twisted until he had tried every possible angle. ‘How could this have happened’, he demanded. ‘I can only reflect what is in front of me, your majesty.’ ‘But I can’t step outside […]

‘I normally walk to planet Caladan, but I’ve hurt my back.’ Jemima Boilerplate bit her lip, ignoring the obvious exaggeration. ‘How’d ya hurt it?’, she asked, hoping to change the subject from boasting. Which is never an easy task while talking to a Dunonian. ‘Felling trees. Now. You won’t know this, because you’re stupid, but […]

Astronaut Neil Armstrong was happy. ‘Houston, Olympus Mons base here, the Eagle has landed.‘ Capcom had a moment of relief. ‘Roger, Olympus, we copy …wait, what?’ ‘The Eagle has landed.’ ‘Not that bit, did you say Olympus Mons?’ ‘Yes’ ‘Goddamit, ye numpties just landed on the wrong celestial body.’ ‘I was thinking it looked a […]

Druff Zontelback was surprised at the speed of the tow truck. It had taken exactly eleven seconds to travel the seven miles from his remote mountain breakdown to Alfie Bardle’s workshop. He was even more surprised to discover that Alfie kept no tools or hoists in the workshop. In their stead was a feathered headdress, […]

‘We gave beetroot to them.’ ‘Is that a fact.’ ‘Yes, they love beetroot.’ ‘Well, there ya go.’ ‘I never thought I’d meet aliens.’ ‘Uh, huh.’ ‘You’re not listening, are you?’ ‘I’m gonna hang up. Get some sleep, you’ve been on that rock for too long. You’re starting to sound like Terry.’ I don’t blame my […]