A face to stop a clock

‘I’m sick of humans’, I said. And I was. Stupid animals. No two ever see the same thing. Anyways -I’m a robodetective. And a damn good one. Not like the two humans I sent on the stakeout. ‘Let’s try again, when did ye see the suspect?’ ‘Eleven‘, answered one. ‘Wrong, half ten; I’ll never forget -she was the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen’, argued the other. ‘Whaddya mean?, she had a face like a hemorrhoid operation gone wrong.’ ‘She was stunning, and half ten was on the clock.’ ‘Eleven, that clock was broken -her face must’ve stopped it.’ Continue reading A face to stop a clock

Zork Conglebonsch and the Spittletattle Social Media Platform

Zork Conglebonsch was a contrarian. He joined Spittletattle to let others know. Tragedy at sea: Fishermen die as mutant shark swallows entire boat, announced one post. ‘Serves the fools right for going to sea’, typed Zork. Boy dies in mountain lion attack, announced another post. ‘Serves him right for going into the mountains’, tut-tapped Zork. Surveyors mauled by Bilgamonster on Woden, announced another post. ‘Stupid fools for going to Woden’, Zork typed. ‘Your comments are ignorant and pointless‘, bleeped another Spittletattle account. ‘It’s shocking that somebody minding their own business has to endure such an unprovoked attack’, replied Zork Continue reading Zork Conglebonsch and the Spittletattle Social Media Platform

The ballad of Shannon Gogarsneacht

Shannon Gogarsneacht always gets what she wants. ‘Relinquish your riches‘, ordered the robot. Shannon was furious. Not just at being mugged by a robot. She was also four feet tall. Which came as a disappointment. And I got the blame. ‘I’ll leave this story unless ya triple my height’, she’d threatened. ‘And make me out of steel’, she continued, ‘with rockets that can shoot from my eyes. And chainsaws for teeth. And the ability fuse hydrogen.’ There was nothing else for it. Shannon is a very pushy woman. The robot (for the brief remainder of its existence) knew that too. Continue reading The ballad of Shannon Gogarsneacht

Ignatius Headsmash and the asteroid

‘I wouldn’t have panicked, it’s four millimeters in diameter …and 1.5 billion miles away.’ Ignatius Headsmash stared blankly up at the Chief Astronomer. ‘Could happen to a bishop Naty …ya forgot to carry the remainder.’ Nine minutes had passed since Ignatius crashed his Jetbike straight in the Observatory door. He spent those minutes lying dazed and clutching a computer printout. The Chief Astronomer spent three of those minutes climbing out from under his desk to revive Ignatius, and the other six reading the printout. ‘…read the printout …meteor …Earth …collision’, was what Ignatius had uttered when he recovered consciousness. Continue reading Ignatius Headsmash and the asteroid

Chronscast Episode 5 – WATCHMEN with Tade Thompson — This Literature Life

http://www.anchor.fm/sffchronscast On this episode of Chronscast we’re joined by award-winning SF author Tade Thompson to talk about WATCHMEN, Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons’s comic-book masterpiece that skewers the superhero genre using its own architecture. Tade is the author of numerous novels, including the critically acclaimed sci-fi novel Rosewater, the first in his award winning WORMWOOD TRILOGY, Making Wolf, […] Chronscast Episode 5 – WATCHMEN with Tade Thompson — This Literature Life Continue reading Chronscast Episode 5 – WATCHMEN with Tade Thompson — This Literature Life

The problem with Bothan Stew

‘Condor egg omelette?‘ Ronan Smunt’s words stunned Mindongula Skebobble.Her cafeteria abutting the Universe proudly served anything.That day saw 134 remarkable orders. Such as: ‘Tannhäuser duck?‘ ‘Sure.’ ‘Hallibalubelberry smoothie with crumbdingles?’ ‘Yes’ ‘Bothan stew?’ ‘Plain or bestangled?’ Of the 857,634 diners that visited, 857,634 had tried ordering something Mindongula didn’t serve. And 857,634 left with full bellies. Then Ronan gave his order.Mindongua fell silent.Ronan did too. Partly with sympathy. Mostly because he was hungry.‘Never mind, a Condor is a rare bird’, he offered. Mindongula went puce.‘I’ve got plenty, but I’m outta butter.’ Continue reading The problem with Bothan Stew

The Science of Star Trek

Guinan’s eyes widened as Miles explained. She always wanted to study engineering, but just couldn’t grasp the terminology. ‘Think of duterium as canned dog food, dilithium crystals as a can opener, and antimatter as a Jack Russell Terrier.’ Guinan smiled as Miles took another gulp of space grog. ‘Now, imagine the Universe as a football pitch with the dog in one goal, and the can in the other.’ ‘Sorry Miles, I don’t follow football -how far is that?’ ‘105 meters -anyway, think what happens when someone opens the tin.’ ‘Wow …that’s how Warp speed works!’ ‘Precisely, but without the Terrier.’ Continue reading The Science of Star Trek

The infinite escalators of Andromeda

‘Andromedan shopping centers have incredible escalators.’ Raja woke bleeding. Something must’ve gone wrong with the hyperdrive. ‘Each step’s a different colour, spent my childhood on those escalators.’ Raja tried standing. ‘Did our ship make the jump?’, he asked. ‘I miss Andromeda …sorry Raj, what?’ ‘Did we hit lightspeed?’ ‘No idea, I was just reminiscing about home.’ Raja felt:     his head spin.     his body wobble.     his universe dim, and blink. ‘Andromedan shopping centers have incredible escalators.’ Continue reading The infinite escalators of Andromeda

The problem with Jetbus drivers

Jetbus Driver Abslod Funkelveldt switched on the autopilot and turned to his Conductor. ‘Ya know Seamus, human existence is an incomprehensible nothing in a vast and mostly empty cosmos.’ ‘Steady on Abslod, there’s such a thing as too much perspective -just focus on what’s in front of you.’ Abslod nodded, and switched off the autopilot. He then cursed. And thumped the dashboard. ‘Look at that fiddlesticks numptie crossing the bus lane -if that happens again I’ll shove that Jetbike up his hole.’ He flashed a thumbs up at the Conductor. ‘Ya know Abslod, you can also have too little perspective.’ Continue reading The problem with Jetbus drivers